- 165 training sessions since June 2010
- Approximately 1,120 workouts on my own since June 2009
- Approximately 2,568 hours at the gym = hours I’m wasn’t at home
- 40 jars of protein powder
- No idea about the other supplements…a lot
- About 90 pounds of chicken
- About 90 pounds of fish
- Hours of missing sleep to get to the gym by 5 am every day? Who knows.
- Average calorie burn over last week = 3374
- Average daily calorie deficit = 1031
- Carbs yesterday = 52 grams or 11% of total calories
I have no idea the total cost of all of this. A lot. And I’m not done. To help pay for it and my other bills, I’ve got the second job. So I work seven days a week and workout 12 times a week.
While I haven’t calculated these numbers before, they were weighing on me. They bother me. I feel guilty about it. Every time I think about quitting, I think about these numbers.
But it also steels my resolve. It makes me more determined to train hard and keep the diet squeeky clean. It makes me inflexible with myself and with most situations that interfere with my progress. Hubby may not believe this because of where I spend my time, but “home” is still more important to me. If “home” is not settled and good, I’m a wreck. The “teaching” thing is also a distraction, but I have a lot of control over how that works so I’ve set thing up to run fairly smoothly – except for staff meetings, which are a waste of life force.
I posted this on Facebook today… “Love this, but there are sacrifices. Hubby misses me and I him. Money. Thousands of hours training to be on stage almost naked and judged. So I’m intense. I’m fierce. I’m difficult. Not training for Ms. Congeniality. Won’t quit. Won’t fail.”
I cannot afford unimportant distractions. I cannot allow situations I can’t control to mess with my head. I cannot give away my power. I cannot trip, stumble, or fall down without snapping right back up. I may cry, I will probably bitch, but I cannot be weak. At the end of the day, this is my bill to pay and it is my husband that is sacrificing time with me and is patient and tolerant. And I’m so very grateful for that. If the results aren’t there, if I’m not successful, this all would have been a waste.
But I don’t like me like this, either. I’m running on my own bravado these days because I’m tired, stressed and out of gas. And scared. I really don’t know how I’m going to make this work. I’m falling back on faith. I’ve never been put on a path I wasn’t supposed to walk. Sometimes I just close my eyes and take the next step and trust my foot will land on something solid.
Had a nice conversation with Big Mike this afternoon. He told me that when he started out he was a little anal about things. That’s where I’m at now. I’ve learned a ton, but I have not learned how my body will respond to certain things. When I have more experience and know what works and doesn’t work for me, when everything isn’t “new”, I hope I’ll be able to relax a little.